"Debris! We have debris!"

"Twister" on VHS. I love my life.

Today has been ideally lazy for a gray Saturday in February. Michael & I have done next to nothing today, and we wouldn't have it any other way. So, after a couple of long phone calls with Kali & Vanessa, some quality time with the Times crossword, and the obligatory lengthy afternoon nap, nothing can beat "Twister" for pure video entertainment.

The relative calm before the flying-cow storm.

There's no question that the real star of "Twister" is the very bad weather, which is on full display in impeccable CGI-glory from start to finish. Yes, this is natural disaster porn, and this motherfucker goes all the way!

But "Twister" isn't just great for its tornadoes. These characters are some of the best the genre has to offer, with bickering tornado-chasing exes Bill & Jo getting thrown back into one last adrenaline-junkie twister chase before finalizing their divorce so he can remarry. The would-be new wife (Jami Gertz) is an uppity therapist, and while she doesn't get the guy in the end, she does get to utter some of the movie's best lines.
("Donald, she did not marry your penis. Okay, she didn't only marry your penis." And then there's the crown jewel of "Twister" dialogue: "I gotta go, Julia, we got cows!!")

There's also the motley crew of tech-savvy extreme weather junkies who tag along with Bill & Jo on every tornado chase, tagging along with their surrogate parents from intense disaster action sequence to intense disaster action sequence while providing the necessary amounts of comic relief in between. Notable among them are Phillip Seymour Hoffman, looking schlubbier in his youth with long greasy hair, and the masterful director Todd Field, who somehow parlayed a career in character acting into the auteur chops responsible for "In the Bedroom" & "Little Children." Oh, and Cameron from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

Freshen up and chow down, Jo. They're predictin' an F-5.

The best non meteorological interlude comes when the crew makes a pit-stop in Wikita (Kansas? I think they're in Kansas) to visit (Jo's) Aunt Meg. Lois Smith is like comfort food incarnate as the imminently hospitable Meg, who lives alone with her golden retriever but for whatever reason always has enough steak and potatoes on hand to feed Bill & Jo's small army of big eaters.  

Aunt Meg will feed us steak and gravy if we go visit her in Wikita.

Aunt Meg's house also provides essential shower facilities to pretty-up the movie stars, as Helen Hunt is pretty fucking grimy after collecting three tornadoes worth of mud and debris during the movie's first half. Some people hate Helen Hunt but those people obviously haven't seen "Twister" enough times, because there's no way any decent person can hate an actual relative of Aunt Meg's.

Marriage.

The question of which twister sequence is the best is the stuff of legendary debate, with the incredible 20 minute-plus climax ("Jo, I don't know how to tell you this, but they're predictin' an F-5.) as the obvious choice for many. It's hard to beat that iconic red Dodge Ram driving balls-to-the-walls straight through the entire house that suddenly blows across the road in front of them.

But where does that put the drive-in theater scene, when a rogue tornado rips through the outdoor movie screen as "The Shining" is torn into pieces before our eyes. THIS is a horror movie, son! And those dueling waterspouts spinning out of control on either side of the roadway isthmus? TWO tornadoes, two WATER TORNADOES, plus COWS! I mean, how are we supposed to pick a favorite?

Whatever. All that matters is that Jo & Bill get back together in the end, and every last member of our favorite unconventional tornado-crazy family makes it through alive.

True love weathers all storms. Even an F-5.